Overcoming the Obstacles to Forgiveness
INTRODUCTION: the cross of Christ and His forgiveness of believers is the basis for true community. Why is this so? The reason why is that Christ’s death on our behalf sets us free from our own worst enemy—our flesh—our self life.
Because believers are complete in Christ, they no longer need to attempt the impossible: carrying their own value as the image of God (Col 2:10). The attempt to do so creates friction in our relationships—we find that we are driven to defend our intrinsic worth at the expense of true Christian love (Paul Zahl, A Short Systematic Theology. pp. 56-57). This problem of characterized the “Corinthian catastrophe” (1 Cor 3:1-4).
Jesus condemns the activity of self-justification in Luke chapter sixteen, verse fifteen: “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts; for that which is highly esteemed among men is detestable in the sight of God.” When caught up in the sin of self-justifying, we will be hesitant to ask forgiveness if we have wronged a brother or sister, and we will be hesitant to forgive those who have offended us.
Christ frees us from self-justification. Christ willingly traded places with us; He bore our liabilities, our guilt was transferred to Him. The penalty of our transgressions fell upon Him. He was given by the Father for the very worst things about us. We have a blood-bought freedom that produces the liberty of true community (Ibid, pp. 86-87). Thus, the maturing believer makes the reality of redemption his regular focus.
We still carry the remnants of our sin natures—indwelling sin is a disturbing reality for every true believer. It is a deadly serious matter to carry a sin nature—it can break out in acts of truancy and evil; and it has an endless capacity for self-deception (Jer 17:9). Our lower natures are only kept in check by the continual application of the gospel. In writing to the church at Corinth, Paul states that he wanted to speak to them as spiritual men; but he could not because they were behaving as natural men, as babes—as “mere men” (1 Cor 3:1). The Corinthian believers were majoring in self-justifying behaviors. Only when we are dealing with our sin by the gospel will we excel at true community.
I. Our salvation is grounded in divine forgiveness (Col 2:12-13).
A. We love because He first loved us. True believers are channels of this divine love to the brethren (1 Jn 4:8, 19, 21). Translating the vertical (this divine love) into the horizontal produces supernatural relationships by the power of the Spirit. These supernatural relationships allow the body of Christ to be a testimony to the world—to be salt and light (Mt 5:14-16; Phil 2:14-16; Jn 17:21). Consider the supernatural demands that God places upon our relationships: consider the interests of others as more important than your own; defer to one another; be willing to be wronged and defrauded; rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep; love one another as Christ has loved us; forgive from the heart; love your enemies; etc.
B. This supernatural way of relating which forms true community is called, “the wisdom from above” (Jas 3:17-18). The evidence a person possesses divine wisdom is an attitude of humility, meekness, and gentleness. Jas 3:14 – The opposite of a gentle, self-controlled, and meek spirit is bitter envy and jealousy. We are warned that if we bite and devour one another, our true community will be destroyed (Gal 5:15). This Spirit-engendered selfless love for one another is called “the royal law” because it is the law of the kingdom of God (Jas 2:8; Mt 18:21-35).
Regarding the ‘wisdom from below’ Proverbs says that a person who spreads strife among brothers is an abomination to the Lord (Prov 6:19). True wisdom originates in Jesus Christ—and displays the characteristics of Christ. That kind of person is a peacemakers and not a sower of discord. They stop a rumor in its tracks so that it does not become a ‘time bomb’ of disunity. They are diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace —this is what it means to walk worthy of our calling Christ (Eph 4:3).
II. Believers are to “incarnate” the character of Christ in their relationships.
A. The “garments of grace” are to be worn in our relationships (Col 3:12-13). We are to put on humility, meekness, longsuffering, and a forgiving tender heart. The decision to live this way involves active choosing—intentionality. HUMILITY: is a deep sense of our own smallness—it is an abiding awareness of our weakness and of God’s power. MEEKNESS: is enduring patience and gentleness in our responses to others—even in the face of opposition. LONGSUFFERING: is a patient bearing of injustice and, or, unpleasant circumstances without giving in to revenge, resentment, or retaliation. Longsuffering is filled with restraint and self-control. FORGIVING: is an attitude of longsuffering and forgiveness as our relational lifestyle. God has been infinitely generous in forgiving us— now as members one of another, we are to be generous in forgiving others (Col 3:13). We are to forgive “if any have quarrel or complaint against another.” The word for quarrel or complaint in the text means to find fault with someone so as to be dissatisfied with them— usually because of errors of omission. We expected a particular person to do something, or behave a certain way and they did not. We are commanded to release that offense and forgive. We are to forgive those who sin against us because the Lord has forgiven us.
B. Putting on these grace garments requires faith in God. The reason why is that each of these grace behaviors is contrary to our natural orientation of self-protection; self-defense; and self-exaltation. In our flesh our inclination is to insulate ourselves from any experience of suffering or injustice. And, when we do experience an injustice, or an offense, our flesh wants immediate justice.
III. The more deeply we prize the gift of forgiveness purchased for us by Christ, the more willing we will be to forgive others.
A. The body of Christ is a fellowship of forgiveness. Ongoing forgiveness is to characterize the communal life of the body. In the new covenant we have a ‘blood-filled laver’—an endless provision for ongoing cleansing from sin (Heb 8:12). God’s gift of forgiveness to His own is of infinite value because of its cost, the blood of Christ (1 Pet 1:17-18). This gift of forgiveness to believers is comprehensive and complete (Col 2:13-14). God is satisfied with the death of His Son on our behalf. His wrath toward the sins of His people has been propitiated (1 Jn 4:10). Our consciences may rest upon this perfect atonement—our guilt has been replaced by the imputed righteousness of Christ.
B. A lifestyle of forgiveness flows from our gratitude for our pardon. The church assembles as a forgiven community characterized by forgiveness. Its members are to ‘adorn the gospel of Christ’ (Titus 2:1-10). As a fellowship of forgiveness characterized by having received forgiveness from the God of the universe—we freely forgive as a lifestyle. We show forth the excellencies of our Heavenly Father who forgave us.
When we lose sight of the immensity of the preciousness of God’s forgiveness, we tend to live with an accusing troubled conscience accompanied by doubts concerning God’s love and favor. This can make us more prone to censure others and to hold on to resentment. Unconverted people zealously mark the faults of others, and refuse to forgive in part because their own guilt is unrelieved. Because unbelievers reject the gospel, they never have tasted God’s mercy, forgiveness, and love. As a consequence, they abide under God’s wrath and displeasure. They have no ground for the true forgiveness of others found in the gospel (Titus 3:1-3).
This ought to be a caution to believers; for if we are living with a bad conscience, we will of necessity be drawn into a judgmental spirit. We will reach for ‘judicial robes and the judge’s gavel’—we will want to hold court on the faults of others while overlooking our own (Mt7:5; Rom 2:1-3). Demonstrating a forgiving spirit as a lifestyle is such an accurate barometer of our walk with God. But, if we are living with unforgiveness, the Lord wants us to repent and return to glorying in Christ with overflowing gratitude for Christ’s forgiveness of us. (Col 2:7). We risk allowing bitterness to grow if we live with the unresolved sin of unforgiveness.
IV. Scripture warns that unforgiveness can lead to a root of bitterness.
A. Bitterness is toxic to the Christian community—it “defiles many” Heb 12:15). The reason it defiles is because it is an open invitation to participate in condemning the faults of others. Bitterness produces a critical spirit and a habit of faultfinding. Everyone perks up their ears when they hear about an apparent injustice. Bitter individuals use stories of injustice to win sympathizers. This defiles because they are often successful at finding accomplices who are willing to sow discord.
Bitter persons are preoccupied with the faults of others and as a result are blind to their own sins (Mt 7:5). They convince themselves that their cause is just. It is no accident that Scripture describes this dilemma as a root of bitterness as opposed to a weed of bitterness. Surface weeds can be cut down with certain tools; but a deep root must be excavated. Believers with a bitter, critical spirit must be exhorted to change their behavior through repentance. More often than not, the real bitterness carried is toward the Lord. The sour person is secretly angry at God who has permitted certain offenses. Emotional injury most commonly comes from those we have trusted and depended upon. It is not strangers who hurt us; but those close to us; within our social, family, or church sphere.
B. Only by confessing and releasing the bitterness will the person experience a joyous sense of release and pardon from the Lord. God is willing to abundantly pardon (Is 55:6-7). But, the reception of forgiveness involves a willingness to be brought low; a willingness to be searched by God and to take God’s side against our sin; and confess our sin as grievous. The bitter person must acknowledge to God that his or her faultfinding is a carnal attempt to manage his pain, hurt, disappointment.
Withholding forgiveness cuts us off from experiencing God’s healing love and grace. In order to recover great thoughts of God we must reaffirm His perfect Fatherly care. We need faith-engendered optimism that God is willing to meet us where we hurt. Otherwise we will never release our own strategies to manage our pain.
V. Understanding the essential steps of forgiveness.
A. Forgiveness on our part is essential if we are to experience God’s healing love and grace. It may seem shallow, or even elementary; but the primary way God is going to heal our hurts is through our willingness to forgive others. At first blush it may sound too simple; but it is powerful. It is not easy to forgive a person who lacks remorse for an offense committed against you—it is especially difficult if you are still hurting from the wound. But, Scripture is clear, forgiveness is what God requires of His own: A lack of forgiveness makes us vulnerable to the devil’s schemes (2 Cor:10-11). Withholding forgiveness can give the devil an opportunity to wreak havoc (Eph 4:26-27). Our standard of mercy and forgiveness toward others will be applied to us by God (Mt 18:33-35; Lu 36-37).
B. Truths which help remove myths and misconceptions about biblical forgiveness:
- Hanging onto a lack of forgiveness does not adequately correct the offender; it primarily builds a prison for us. We lose some of the freedom Christ has purchased for us when we refuse to forgive.
- Forgiving others is not the same as forgetting, only God can drown our sins in the sea of His forgetfulness (Is 43:25; Jer 31:34). When we forgive biblically we still may be pained by the memory of the offense, and we may have to repeatedly return to the posture and attitude of forgiveness (and God’s infinite love and care).
- Forgiveness is not a denial that sin has taken place. Forgiveness toward another can be difficult because it can feel like we are approving of injustice—letting people off the hook. God will deal with that person if they are unrepentant.
- Forgiveness will cost you something—forgiveness is agreeing to bear some of the consequences of another’s sin. Only Christ can bear the ultimate consequences of sin —we are only asked to bear some of the temporal consequences of sin.
- Forgiveness is not a welcome mat that says ‘walk on me anytime’. We will see later in our lesson that forgiveness does not preclude reproof and setting boundaries.
C. Applying the steps of biblical forgiveness:
STEP ONE: The starting point in forgiving another from the heart is acknowledging our pain before God. To forgive from the heart means that we are looking to God for comfort instead of looking to our schemes for comfort. We are to follow the pattern set in the Psalms of pouring out our hearts to God (Ps 62:8). The pain that has resulted in your injury is very real—and it must come in contact with God if He is to comfort you (2 Cor 1:3-11).
Forgiveness from the heart (Mt 18:35) touches the very emotional core of our being which is why our hurt must come in contact with God. Only He understands just how great the pain is; and only He can fully minister to us at the depth of our being. If you dismiss the pain in a stoic response, you may find it difficult to forgive from the heart. You may need to form a prayer such as: “Lord I hate that this happened; this really hurts!” (and continues to hurt, thank you for helping me entrust this to You).
STEP TWO: Release your imagined right to hold onto the offense as an act of justice, demanding that justice be satisfied according to your schedule. Forgiveness does not mean that you tolerate sin. It means that you won’t incur sin because of another’s sin against you (Rom 12:17-21). Being sinned against is not a legitimate excuse for us to sin. To forgive involves refusing to take revenge into our own hands to collect “the debt” through slander or other means (Lev 19:15-18).
Forgiveness is not the same as pretending that it never happened. We forgive for Christ’s sake and, to some degree, for our own sake so we can be free. Forgiveness is the key; use the key; choose liberty! We are to be ever mindful that the basis for the
forgiveness of others is not our generosity, but the cross of Christ. He has given us the power to forgive because He has freely forgiven believers. When we forgive another, there are times when the other person is unaware of the offense as well as the forgiveness itself—this is because the issue is primarily between you and God. We forgive because God commands it; and we forgive because our fellowship with the Lord depends upon our willingness to obey this commandment.
STEP THREE: We must trust God to do what is right in our lives and put the pieces back together. Christ is our perfect example of this. When He as being sinned against (perishing under the mockery of His murderers), He kept entrusting Himself to God instead of hitting back with angry threats (1 Pet 2:18-25; 4:19). Many believers hang on to unforgiveness as a form of ‘insurance’ (‘armor’) so that if their lives prove to contain failure, they can always blame those who have sinned against them.
God has a better way, He is the God of 10,000 fresh starts. He specializes in making broken people whole through obedience and usefulness. During His earthly ministry Jesus surrounded Himself with broken sinners. He is still the Great Physician. Our need is to release our unwillingness to forgive, and then to entrust ourselves to God as our Protector, Defender, and Healer. God often does the greatest things in our lives when we trust and obey Him against all natural reason and emotion.
STEP FOUR: Forgiveness often involves caring enough to confront another.
- Forgiveness does not mean that you cannot set a boundary with the offender. EX. In a carpool of Christian business men, a Christian brother who is perpetually late has reached a point in his habitual tardiness jeopardized the jobs of his fellow riders. Though he often said, ‘I apologize’, he was still late each day. Is it biblical to warn him that if he continues to be late he must find another way to work? EX. Your Christian babysitter takes your twins toddlers for a drive, runs quickly into to Walmart for an item, meets an old friend inside, talks too long, and the twins left in the car overheat, and they require medical care, she asks forgiveness. Does that mean you are obligated to keep her as your sitter? EX. What about a Christian contractor who cuts corners—is negligent, hires unlicensed subcontractors, etc. He apologizes, are you obligated to recommend him, or use his services in the future?
- Forgiveness does not forbid confronting, reproof, rebuke, and admonishment. “You shall not go about as a slanderer among your people, and you are not to act against the life of your neighbor; I am the LORD . ‘You shall not hate your fellow countryman in your heart; you may
surely reprove
your neighbor, but shall not incur sin because of him. 18 ‘You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD ” (Lev 19:16-18).
“Be on your guard! If your brother sins,
rebuke
him; and if he repents, forgive him. ‘And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him” (Lu 17:3-4). Reproof and forgiveness are equal duties for believers. It has been said by faithful ministers of God’s Word that one of the chief reasons the church is weak today is because we do not discipline one another. In other words, we do not engage in the admonishment required of a healthy church body (Rom 15:14) (there is almost a complete absence of vision to nouthetically counsel one another. 100 years of psychology in tandem with the self-esteem movement, have done their carnal work; nothing must touch the kingdom of self, if something makes me feel bad, it must be bad). Look at Luke 17:3-4, “be on your guard!” means the believer must be always prepared both to reprove and to forgive. Be ready to help a brother who has fallen into sin by warning him, rebuking him. And be ready to restore and forgive him when he repents. If we reject this dual command of confront and forgive, we risk falling into the trap of nursing a grudge, and then telling others of the offense without taking the healing steps commanded.
- Forgiveness does not always guarantee sustained or close relations with the person forgiven. With a spouse, close friend, brother or sister in Christ—in those relationships, we should strive for a level of forgiveness known as exoneration. That is complete restoration, a total clearing of the slate. Renewing trust, intimacy, cooperation, love. But, where the offense is not owned by the offender, forgiveness will be accompanied by longsuffering. The relationship still exists, but the party sinned against who has done the forgiving ‘soldiers on’ in patience, meekness, and longsuffering. And, where there is not the possibility of a close relationship (deceased offender, criminal perpetrator, molester, drunk driver who crippled you, slanderer who wants no contact, etc.) forgiveness on your part will be accompanied by release (find yourself singing the theme song of ‘Frozen’).
- Forgiveness does not mean that damage from a serious offense will immediately disappear. My wife and I have counseled many Christians who have been victims. I can tell you that for them, learning to trust again is a significant issue. At times, they feel that the perpetrator has damaged them for life. And, that they will carry permanently some emotional disability.
The Parable of the Unmerciful Slave, Mt 18:21-22 – The context here is personal forgiveness, and not forgiveness adjudicated by the church. In Rabbinic discussion, forgiving someone 3 times was considered the limit, with no forgiveness beginning the fourth offense. Peter thought himself quite magnanimous for proposing to forgive 7 times which is more than double the Rabbinic figure. 70 x 7 says Jesus. He is not teaching that forgiveness is completely unqualified or that there is a precise number or upper limit. Rather He is teaching that forgiveness cannot be limited by frequency or quantity. Note the steps in vv. 15-20 in the Messianic community for dealing with the offenses of a sinning brother. 1) Confront the sinning brother privately, with gentleness, showing him his fault. Not to gain points; it is designed to win him over, for redemptive purposes —it can be very hard to receive a rebuke, even in private one and harder to administer one in loving humility. 2) If he rejects the correction, take 2 or 3 witnesses with you, so that there is a united testimony. Christ promises to attend the prayerful, considered judgment of His people. 3.) If he rejects this testimony, he is to be regarded as a pagan or a tax gatherer. In other words, he is not to be forgiven and restored; the church has solemnly convened; he is to be excommunicated. These are steps or conditions given by our Savior regarding forgiveness.
Mt 18:23-27 – Jesus has been addressing the question of repeated personal forgiveness. Failure to forgive is radically inconsistent with a Kingdom (of heaven) made up of those forgiven by their King. Those who refuse to forgive will be excluded from the Kingdom. For reference on 10,000 talents, King David donated 3000 talents of gold and 10,000 talents of silver for the construction of the temple (1 Chron 29:4, 7). The price of selling a family into slavery was one talent of silver. Estimates 10,000 talents of silver: 10 million to 3 billion. Or, 150,000 year’s wages. The king has pity on his servant’s plight. He promises to cancel his mountainous debt—choosing to look on the loss as a bad loan rather than what it probably was: embezzlement.
Mt. 18:28-31 – The appalling attitude of the servant comes to light. A fellow slave owed him 100 denarii, equivalent to 100 days wages of a foot soldier or common laborer. It was not insignificant, but trivial compared to what had been forgiven him. The plea made by the debtor, his fellow servant did not move him to compassion. He had him thrown into debtor’s prison. It was illegal to sell a man for a sum greater than the debt he owed. The other servants are distressed by what they witness. So, they tell their master everything about the ungrateful slave’s inequity.
Mt 18:28-35 – The king now calls the forgiven servant, ‘wicked’. He forgoes selling him, but does hand him over to the torturers until he pays back what he owes—which he never can do in one lifetime. Jesus is graphically showing the perversity of the slave’s actions. “Jesus sees no incongruity in a Heavenly Father who forgives so bountifully and punishes so ruthlessly, and neither should we” (D. A. Carson). He is a God of compassion and mercy toward those who believe the gospel and repent of their sins. He cannot receive into His eternal kingdom one who is devoid of compassion and mercy. No one earns His mercy; in this parable, the servant is granted mercy by virtue of the forgiving nature of the king. Those who are forgiven must forgive, lest they show themselves incapable of receiving forgiveness.
CONCLUSION: God’s ways are not our ways. In order to obey God, it will require faith —we will have to desist from our beloved carnal solutions. Forgiveness is grounded in Christ’s work for us. His ways are the ways of life, and that includes the command to forgive one another. Christ’s kingdom is made up of former enemies of His. No wonder Jesus dined with tax-gatherers and sinners—the sin-broken. The redeemed of His make up a fellowship of the forgiven who excel in forgiving others. He loved those who were His enemies; now we are forgiven and reconciled to Him and we serve Him by allowing the Spirit to reproduce Christ’s character in us (Rom 5:10).