The Redemptive Ideal in the Marriage Relationship
By Jay Wegter
INTRODUCTION
The topic to be explored in this paper is the redemptive ideal in marriage. The
redemptive ideal as applied to marriage is a scriptural concept drawn from Christ’s redemptive relationship with His church (Eph. 5:22-33). In marriage, the husband’s love for his wife is to be patterned after Christ’s love for His church.
The manner in which Christian marriages typify Christ’s relationship with His church is multi-faceted and complex. Paul describes it as a mystery (Eph. 5:32). It is a mystery not easily exhausted. The wonders of Christ’s work for His church will always be new and always fraught with joy throughout eternity.¹
No doubt the greatness of the mystery embraces the eternal union in glory that Christ shall enjoy with His church in the ages to come. The word “mystery” in the context of Ephesians 5:32 refers to a revealed secret which was previously hidden. The true fulfillment of Genesis 2:24 is found in the relationship of Christ and His church. Genesis 2:24 refers to the one-flesh relationship between Adam and Eve, but when quoted by Paul in Ephesians, it proves to be a prophetic image of the union between Christ and His redeemed people.²
1 Horatius Bonar, The Everlasting Righteousness (Carlisle: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1993) 61.
2 Alexander Strauch, Equal Yet Different (Littleton: Lewis and Roth Publishers, 1999) 62.
Scripture takes believers to this vein of gold which no exegete can fully mine, for there is both wonder and enigma connected with it. There are aspects of the mystery yet to be revealed.
The greatest wedding in the cosmos is yet future. All the elect before us prepared for it. Salvation is a marvelous espousal that embodies our created purpose. Heaven itself is defined by this cosmic union. Redeemed individuals shall be seated above angels in glory as God’s eternal companions and as Christ’s beloved bride. The great marriage supper of the Lamb will inaugurate the consummation of God’s purposes in salvation (Rev. 19:7-9).
On that day, all of the bride’s distressing corruptions will fall to the ground in an instant. She will be clothed in white and will be without spot or wrinkle. God the Father will present her clothed in splendor and glory, spotless, made ready for her husband. She will be given to the Son of God in a cosmic wedding ceremony to be witnessed by the holy rational universe.
D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones describes the believer’s anticipation of the wedding supper in the following manner:
We should be looking forward to the great day, and longing for it, and living for it. This should be at the center of our lives to the exclusion of everything else. We should be animated by this, stimulated and moved by it, and ever looking forward to it-the wedding day, the ceremony, the friends looking on, the feasting, the wonder and the glory and the splendor of it all! ³
3 D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones, Life in the Spirit; An Exposition of Ephesians 5:18-6:9 (Grand Rapids: Baker House, 1973) 182.
The marriage ceremony of the Lamb is future, yet it is the great template, the master archetype for the earthly institution of marriage. Marriage bears a typical significance to the mystery of Christ’s relationship to His church. Wayne Grudem notes that when Paul wanted to tell the Ephesians about marriage, the apostle did not have to hunt around for an appropriate analogy. Paul knew that when God designed the original marriage He already had Christ and the church in mind. Marriage is not a cultural or social afterthought of God, it exists to fulfill one of God’s greatest purposes. That purpose is to picture the relationship between Christ and His redeemed people for ever. ⁴
MARRIAGE, GOD’S OBJECT LESSON OF REDEMPTION God’s great undertaking to redeem a portion of humanity and make them fit to
wed His Son encompasses a plan that precedes time. In the time-space history that followed eternity past, God has provided an abundance of redemptive analogies. Many of these analogies are taken from agrarian life. A mother hen shelters her chicks under her wings, at times even giving her life to protect them (Matt. 23:37). A grain of wheat falls to earth and dies before it brings forth fruit (Jn. 12:24). A good shepherd, as opposed to a hireling, is willing to lay down his life for his sheep (Jn. 10:11-15). The orphaned lamb is adopted by the ewe, when the fleece of the ewe’s dead offspring is placed upon the orphan.
4 George W. Knight III, “Husbands and Wives as Analogues of Christ and the Church,” in Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, John Piper and Wayne Grudem eds. (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1991) 175.
The most profound redemptive analogy in both the Old and New Testaments is that of marriage. God has chosen the most intimate commitment on earth to depict Christ’s redemptive love for His people. How does Christ take spiritually dead rebels who are both God-hating and defiled, and transform them into His spotless bride? He accomplishes this glorious end by means of giving Himself up for His bride (Eph. 5:25-27).
Husbands are commanded by God to emulate Christ’s sacrificial love for His church as they exercise love toward their wives. Marriages characterized by sacrificial love and whole-hearted submission glorify God because they reflect the perfection of love in glory between God and the saints. Thus a Spirit-filled marriage relationship that fulfills the redemptive ideals of Ephesians 5 presents a powerful object lesson to the watching world.
As Strauch observes, the perfect model for marital union is the oneness of the Christ-church relationship. The power and impact of a redemptive marriage relationship is contained in its ability to communicate a mystery. ⁵
The commands of Ephesians 5 present standards of behavior that are supernatural instead of natural. Married couples do not naturally or intuitively practice the principles found in Ephesians 5. No man can possibly do what the apostle tells us to do in Ephesians 5 unless he is filled with the Spirit. ⁶
5 Strauch, 52.
6 Lloyd-Jones, 56.
It is only the believer who possesses the potential to obey these injunctions. The believer is a new creature who has been transformed. Christians are the objects of Christ’s redeeming love. They embrace the vision to reflect Christ’s relationship with His church. It is their purpose by obeying Christ in their marriage relationships to attest to an invisible supernatural reality.
How brilliantly these marriages stand out as relationships patterned after heaven. By contrast, modern culture has so trivialized marriage that its spiritual and covenant significance has for the most part been reduced to sentimentality or altogether lost. The tabloid marriages of our day bear no resemblance to the redemptive ideal patterned by Christ. Tabloid nuptials commonly feature the joining together of two starlets who hope that by merging of their collective popularity they will advance their fame and happiness. No wonder their marriages are so often short-lived. Two immense egos grasping for greater glory by means of using one another’s fame is the polar opposite of dying to self in order to live.
Christian marriages have a vital role in preserving God’s moral order in society. Not only do they provide the training ground for the next generation of believers, they also bear witness to the scriptural mandate that all of our relationships exist to bring glory to God. John MacArthur avers that families are the building blocks of human society. They protect its very existence. Christians are to put on display God’s standard for marriage. “God has called us to be salt and light in this dark and decaying society. . . . When the family goes, anarchy is the logical outcome.” ⁷
7 John MacArthur, Different by Design (Wheaton: Victor Books, 1994) 52.
BEARING FRUIT FOR GOD IN THE FEAR OF CHRIST It is the premise of this author that the church’s emphasis upon improving
marriages for the sake of greater fulfillment has left the church undefended against secular views of marriage. Enrichment seminars frequently attract the unsaved who desire greater fulfillment in their relationships but who have no sentiment for God’s purpose to glorify Himself. Marriage is indeed a gift of God that answers man’s need of companionship, completeness and pleasure (Gen. 2:18; 1 Cor. 7:2-5; 1 Cor. 11:8-12). These blessings are valuable but subordinate to the greater priority of bearing fruit for God.
God’s goodness in providing marriage is magnified as couples enter marital bliss; their very happiness attests to God’s common grace. The marriage relationship ought to be viewed as equipping a believer to bear fruit for God in a way different than that of a single adult. The church is indeed espoused to Christ for that very purpose of bearing fruit for God (Rom. 7:4).
The command to do all things for the glory of God has a comprehensive application in the believer’s life, extending even to the mundane (1 Cor. 10:31). Our marriages exist for the higher purpose of glorifying God. Obedience to the commands of Ephesians 5 is the divinely appointed means by which the partners in holy matrimony show forth the mystery of Christ and the church.
When the biblical roles are occupied, God is exalted in the redemptive ideal. This obedience bears fruit for God. When Christian couples strive for happiness in marriage, that goal will be best aligned with Scripture when the mandate to bear fruit for God is in view. God’s glory is a loftier goal than our own happiness. Seeking to bear fruit for God will not prevent our happiness, but will achieve it in the manner appointed by God’s Word. Even the goal of marital fulfillment must terminate upon God and not upon ourselves. Fulfillment God’s way brings with it the deeper purpose of divine honor.
REDEMPTIVE LOVE DESIRES PURITY IN ITS OBJECT Ephesians 5 sets forth the husband as a type of Christ and the wife as a type of
the church. Christ Jesus lays down His life in order to make His bride glorious. She submits to His love and authority in order to realize that grand purpose. The church’s response to Christ’s love is seen in her submission and in her simplicity and purity of devotion to Him (2 Cor. 11:3).
The Lord works through the submission of the church. He sanctifies His own and ultimately makes His bride glorious (Heb. 2:11; Eph. 5:26,27). The process of Jesus Christ making His bride glorious through her submission has far more to do with marriage than first meets the eye.
Glory through submission is not an isolated concept in Scripture. Christ’s discourses are fraught with lessons concerning God’s way of advancement to glory. These lessons frequently involve a graphic contrast between God’s wisdom and the world’s foolishness. Christ proclaimed that those who live for the approval of men, seeking glory from them, shall not have glory from God (Jn. 12:42,43; Jn. 5:44).
The wisdom of the world promotes a pursuit of glory that utilizes self-advancement, self-enhancement and self-assertion. The wisdom of God and the wisdom of the world are in direct antipathy to one another (James 3:13-18). The Scriptures assert that only by losing one’s life for Christ’s sake will a man gain his life (Mt 16:25-27). By seeking to hold onto the world’s methods for gaining life, significance, glory and meaning, a man will ultimately lose his life.
God’s way is glory through submission to Christ. This submission also involves identification with Christ’s purposes (Matt 20:25-28). Christ’s disciples are to follow the example of their Master’s submission to the Father.
Jesus Christ is the perfect demonstration of God’s wisdom lived out in every way (1 Pet. 2:18-25). He was the perfect disciple, the perfect believer, the perfect Son. He exhibited no will to power; He always sought first the kingdom of God (Phil 2:5-11). He did not love His own life unto death, but became obedient unto death. The Father’s will was His meat and drink (Jn 4:34). He submitted perfectly to Him who judges righteously. He did not love all that was in this world, but overcame the world. He lost His life for the sake of the gospel.
Scripture indicates that He is worthy therefore to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing (Rev 5:12). God highly exalted Him and bestowed upon Him a name above every name (Phil 2:9). Christ perfectly exemplifies the kingdom way of gloriousness.
The church is to submit to Christ, this is how she is to be made glorious. She cannot make herself glorious. The more she lives sumptuously, the more she enriches and embellishes herself, the more she resembles the world (Rev 3:17,18). Again, the values of Hollywood provide a stark contrast to the principles of Scripture. The world applauds self-improvement. It offers praise to those achieve strength, wisdom, acclaim, beauty and riches. Adoration and attention is often heaped upon Hollywood idols who gain meteoric fame. But none of this thinly veiled narcissism contains a speck of enduring glory (1 Pet 1:24).
Some attempts at self-glorification may even draw heavily upon the personal development of virtue and character. Ultimately, the glory gained by the world whether achieved by power, wealth, amusement or philanthropy, will share the same fate as the grass of the field (James. 1:10,11).
In seeking to glorify herself, the world utterly fails to gain its purpose. The reason for this failure is clear from Scripture. As in the divine lesson lost upon Laodicea of old, glory only comes by way of submission to one’s glorious Head. It is impossible to make oneself glorious. Those who attempt self-glorification shall in the end be found to be poor, miserable, blind and naked. By contrast, the true church is destined for glory by reason of her union with Christ. The church is to live out the reality of that union by submission to Christ. The church’s submission and glory are joined in 2 Thessalonians 2:13,14.
IN HEAVEN’S EYES, SUBMISSION IS A LOVE WORD Part of the mystery of Christ and the church is that true glory flows along the
lines of submission. The world frequently decries submission to God’s appointed authority as that which jeopardizes equality and dignity. Such an attitude only belies that the world’s wisdom is natural, earthly and demonic (James 3:15). By heaven’s values, submission is a love word, for it is surrender to love. It is devotion to the One who holds you in His heart. Christ’s love to the Father is seen in His submission. Christ’s obedience that led Him to Calvary declares both His love for the Father and the church. The Savior’s heart is fixed upon the joy He will forever experience with His glorified bride (Heb. 12:2).
Where sacrificial love is joined to submission, glory follows. Christ sets the pattern. He loves sacrificially, He redeems, He sanctifies, He glorifies His church. Christ’s submission to the Father was the divinely assigned path to the Savior’s own glory, crown and throne.
Christ’s omnipotent love for His church is the guarantee her sanctification will progress toward final glory. Christ’s redeeming and sanctifying love ensures that the church will be conformed to her Head in the glory of holiness (Rom. 8:29; Eph. 1:4). Both the church universal and husbands themselves are to keep in view the heavenly result of Christ’s redemptive love. For when the lines of submission are traced, they prove to be the lines of glory.
Ephesians 5 elucidates eternal truths that God Himself applies to marriage. These truths bear a profound significance for marriage counseling. In our haste to make the precepts for marriage practical, there has been regrettable neglect of the redemptive truths of Ephesians 5. When drawing from the well of redemptive truth in these verses, precept must stay joined to mystery if the full benefit is to be derived. Just as the church’s submission to Christ is the means of her perfecting, the wife’s submission to her husband is central to her sanctification as a married believer.
Christ’s sacrificial love is also the initiation of love. He exercises initial leadership in the lives of His own by seeking, saving and winning them by His love. He voluntarily sets aside His own rights and privileges in order to meet the needs of another.
Christ’s submission to the Father is evidenced by His sacrificial love of the church. Likewise, the husband’s submission to Christ is evidenced by his sacrificial love for his wife.
The husband’s role as the initiator of love can be illustrated by the use of the English preposition “for.” His leadership role is for his wife, not for himself. He lays down his life for his wife (Eph. 5:25, Grk. huper: in behalf of). He gives himself for her, he is responsible for her, he provides for her. The wife demonstrates her submission to Christ by responding to her husband with submission and respect. The preposition “to” sheds light upon her role as responder. She responds to her husband’s love by submitting to him. She is responsible to him and respectful toward him.
As disciples of Christ, both husband and wife are commanded to die to self (Matt. 16:24). In the marriage relationship, he dies to self by sacrificing himself for her (as Christ did for the church) and she dies to self by sacrificing her will in obedience to him (as the church does in obedience to Christ). Aspects of both the roles and priorities in marriage are set forth in the use of these two prepositions. For in the roles and relationships communicated by these words there is the ineffable link between marriage and the mystery of Christ and His church.
As these roles are occupied, Christ’s love is magnified by the lives of the spouses. In addition, when these respective roles are occupied, there is a deepening and a maturing of godly masculinity and femininity in the husband and the wife.
HUSBANDS MUST OCCUPY THEIR HEADSHIP IN ORDER TO SERVE THEIR WIVES Precept must stay joined to doctrine in order for husbands to appropriate the
highest purpose for their spiritual headship (1 Cor. 11:3).
Werner Neuer offers the following insight:
Just as one cannot confess Jesus Christ without affirming His Lordship, so it is impossible to confess maleness without affirming male headship. When men refuse to accept their particular responsibility to be head of the wife, they are rebelling against the position intended by God and living in contradiction to their nature as males. God has put the husband over his wife in a similar way to that in which He put Christ over the church. ⁸
Male headship is not an outgrowth of culture, it is an established principle of God’s order in creation. In 1 Corinthians 11:1-12, Paul gives the theological reasons behind the headship of the husband. Man was given dominion and authority over the works of God’s hands. Man, by his rule as a steward, reflects the glory of God in a manner different than the woman. “[Woman] was made to manifest man’s authority and will just as man was made to manifest God’s authority and will.” ⁹
Husbands are to fulfill their headship toward their wives by loving them sacrificially. Husbands are placed in a role of spiritual leadership in order to make their
8 Werner Neuer, Man and Woman in Christian Perspective, trans. Gordon J. Wenham (Wheaton: Crossway Books, 1991) 123.
9 MacArthur, 42. wives glorious. The husband’s overall leadership in the home must be a function of spiritual headship. If he is to fulfill his calling as spiritual high priest who models Christ, mediates grace and majors in spiritual instruction he must occupy a place of spiritual authority for the sake of others (Deut. 6:6,7).
The man who treasures his God-given role as redeemer in the marriage will enthusiastically occupy his position of spiritual headship. For partners in a Christian marriage, the pursuit of the redemptive ideal is necessarily joined to progressive sanctification.
Godliness is most clearly seen in relationships. Therefore marriage, the most important relationship on earth, provides a proving ground for godliness to be tested, revealed, nurtured and matured. Christian husbands who take their spiritual headship seriously understand that they are the primary human instruments used by God to advance sanctification in their mates.
The godly husband who is intent upon modeling the principles of Ephesians 5 will be careful not to relinquish or abuse his headship. He rightly reasons that if he is a tool in God’s hands for his wife’s sanctification, then he must do nothing less than prepare his wife for heaven.
Christ’s sacrificial love for His church had the goal in mind of her sanctification and purity. Christ’s purifying love teaches us that love pursues purity in its object. Love wants only the highest good for the one it loves. The Christian husband who understands his redemptive role will see his wife’s greatest need as the exercise of godly manhood on her behalf. ¹⁰
The husband has been given his headship for the purpose of bearing fruit for God. The godly wife who embraces God’s plan will view submission as her pathway to fulfillment. Her submission is not simply a willingness to carry out the wishes of another. Submission is a willingness to make the desires of another one’s own. The wife’s submission involves intelligent participation. Thoughtless subjection is not the idea intended in Ephesians 5. A wife’s submission entails moral discernment, quick wit and wise counsel. All of these are creatively exercised toward her husband in a way that makes her the ideal helpmate she was created to be. ¹¹
Such whole-hearted submission is not possible apart from deep abiding trust in Christ and in her husband. So sacred is this trust, that a husband must do everything in his power to develop and maintain that trust. A husband’s consistent sacrificial love makes a wife’s submission a joy and a privilege. Many husbands content themselves with occasional acts of sacrificial love sprinkled amongst habitual acts of selfishness. But the standard set in Ephesians 5:25 is that of Christ’s example. The church sees God in the face of Christ. There must be enough consistency in the husband for the wife to see something of Christ in the face of her husband.
10 Ibid., 60.
11 Ibid., 55, 56.
Husbands would do well to apply the following test to their behavior toward their wives. This author finds it helpful to ask the question, “Does a particular behavior of mine break the type of Christ in my life?” When exercising insensitivity, unkindness, unforgiveness, selfishness or harshness, there is a breakdown in the husband’s typification of Christ. He must restore trust and resume his imitation of Christ as soon as possible, otherwise he remains out of fellowship with the Lord and out of adjustment to his redemptive role. A husband committed to modeling Christ and preserving trust will command the greatest respect from his wife. She will find that her needs are met by his redemptive behavior. She will find her solution in him, not in manipulating him.
As one pastor quipped, “A fulfilled woman is married to a hero, but an unfulfilled woman is married to a mediocre man.” The fulfilled woman of Ephesians 5 is one who is cherished, who is nourished, who is provided for and who is loved sacrificially.
By identifying with her husband’s purposes, a wife sets her husband free to make her glorious. The wife as well as the husband must see the marriage through the lens of the redemptive analogy. When obeyed, the commands of Ephesians 5 put an end to challenging, resisting and contesting.
PLEASE CHRIST YOUR HEAD IN ORDER TO PLEASE YOUR MATE Though the husband lays his life down for his wife and his wife submits to him,
the ultimate direction of these attitudes and behaviors is Godward. The key to effectiveness in modeling the redemptive ideal mandated by God is submission to Christ first.
Not only is the Lord our source of enablement, He is also our primary evaluator. According to Ephesians 5:21, there is a respectful reverence due to Christ as our Sovereign Lord. Our relationships are to manifest our obedience to Him, for He holds us accountable. Many husbands and wives short-circuit the redemptive ideal at this very juncture. For if our desire to please our mate is not grounded in our desire to reverence and please Christ, we will tend to settle for a lower standard of obedience that will be more sporadic.
Countless Christian couples manifest this problem by coming to the counseling room with an absence of desire or motivation to love their partner sacrificially. Married couples tend to see their mates as their primary evaluators in the marriage.
When a husband lives to please his wife more than his Head, he will fall short of occupying his own headship. The reason being, the one you seek to please first becomes your primary evaluator. The husband’s headship always operates best when he is consciously surrendered to Christ, his Head.
When husbands seek to please their partner above the Lord, there is a tendency to relinquish headship. Attempts to win the approval of one’s mate is a more serious problem for a husband than a wife. When a husband pleases his wife ahead of Christ, he commonly loses both the will and the vision to occupy his spiritual headship. The gravity of Christ’s command is replaced with an inner attitude of “How am I doing Honey?”
A husband’s eyes must be raised above the horizon of his wife’s approval in order to fulfill the requirements of spiritual headship. Men tend to be reluctant to stretch beyond their leadership comfort zones. As long as the husband has been faithful enough to complete his “honey do” list he may conclude that all of his responsibilities toward his wife are completed. Spiritual headship, the desire to make one’s wife glorious, requires much more.
The husband must grow beyond the selfishness and self-protection that undermine spiritual leadership. A man whose actions are performed primarily to keep his wife happy will lack the resolve to advance her sanctification. The key to effectiveness involves submission to Christ’s lordship so as to make it one’s ambition to please Christ his Head (2 Cor. 5:9,15). A man must submit to Christ as Head in order to receive strength to lead his wife spiritually.
Only as a husband fully appropriates Christ’s sanctifying purposes in his own life will he begin to see himself as God’s instrument for his wife’s sanctification. As the husband submits to Christ’s authority, he will find the courage to move outside of his own leadership comfort zone. This is pivotal, a husband submitted to Christ will be sensitive to the ways in which Christ’s Spirit convicts of sin and instructs in righteousness.
Husbands will only be able to pass on to their wives what they themselves are receiving and practicing. Without the practice of spiritual disciplines, a man is not equipped to disciple another. The paths taken by God’s Spirit in the husband’s life form a pattern for him to follow as he assists his wife in her sanctification.
Here is a source for greatly needed courage. Husbands commonly fear appearing self-righteous or even hypocritical as they confront a sin issue in their spouse. It is essential that husbands learn the value of admonishing their wives nouthetically in love. Growth and positive change are critically linked to caring confrontation (Rom. 15:14). Spiritual headship includes a readiness to make penetrating application of Scripture in the lives of those in our care.
Husbands must be willing to exercise their spiritual leadership in such a way that they offer protection, correction and counsel to their wives. At times this will mean that it will be necessary to put a check upon the wife’s spirit. In so doing, the husband places a “signpost” in the center of the path his wife is taking. This gentle correction may caution the wife not to continue with certain speech, attitudes or actions that are unwise or unrighteous.
The authority of spiritual headship is not dictatorial but service oriented in character. After the pattern of Christ, it is didactic, priestly, protective and nurturing. When headship is used in this manner, a godly wife will respond gratefully without regarding her husband’s words as criticism. The husband’s opportunities as an instrument in his wife’s sanctification are manifold.
Consider the following areas in his wife’s life; friends, interests, prayer life, ministry, recreation, relatives, church and children. A godly husband offers his wife guidance in the most intimate areas of her spiritual life. These areas may involve his wife’s purity, her emotional struggles, her strongholds of sin and her areas of doubt. Husbands only grow into their spiritual headship when they see themselves as a chief agent in the spiritual maturation of their wives.
Just as Christ sanctified Himself for the sake of His own, so also husbands occupy spiritual headship for the purpose of making their wives glorious (Jn. 17:19). The calling to typify Christ is truly a lofty calling. The fulfillment of the Ephesians 5 mandate is only possible when husbands develop the scriptural vision to occupy their redemptive role. As husbands, we ought to accept that calling with joy and seriousness and with courage and optimism. God is for us. Where His glory is at stake, His enabling grace will certainly follow.
CONCLUSION One of love’s highest privileges is to be a vessel by which God pours grace and
truth into another. For Christian husbands, it is an immeasurable privilege to have a part as an agent of Christ in the preparation of one’s wife for heaven.
God is glorified when the redemptive ideal is lived out in Christian marriages. Husbands and wives are progressively sanctified in the process of living out the redemptive ideal. The precepts that govern the behavior of spouses toward each other must stay joined to the doctrine of the atonement. Redemption through Christ is the foundation for these precepts and the source of their power. Christian marriages need greater attention to the atonement in order to realize the redemptive ideal in their lives.¹² God has joined His own glory to our highest good in allowing Christian marriages to show forth the wonderful mystery of Christ’s redemptive love for His church.
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