THE TRUE FREEDOM OF A REDEMPTIVE RELATIONSHIP
OBSERVATION # 1 – Many of the relational problems of men and women are symptoms of a perverted culture that has abandoned the biblical pattern for male and female.
In the vast majority of homes in the Western world, fathers have completely failed to carry out the spiritual teaching mandate of Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and Psalm 78:5-8. The failure of the fathers doesn’t simply leave a void in the area of religious “information,” it also empties of content the role of spiritual head. God’s design is that children learn about the Lord and about spiritual truth in the “relational space” of a father child relationship.
There is an extremely important reason for this. Fathers reflect the character of God in a different way than mothers. In fathers, the image of God’s love and authority are united in one person. The male is a reflector of God’s authority in ways that a female is not (1 Cor. 11:2-16).
A culture can only remain patriarchal to the degree that the fathers occupy their role as spiritual teachers in their homes. To a large extent, masculinity is a function of truth loved, truth lived out and truth communicated. It is as if God has delegated a “sword” to every man to wield for protection, correction and healing. If a man’s life does not turn upon the truth, he will lack the convictions that shape positive character. In effect, his sword is corroded from disuse and lies bonded to its scabbard by rust.
In those sorts of homes where the father does not instruct his children, an imbalance begins. Instead of relating to dad as a sweet but firm paternal teacher, the children are all too often on the receiving end of a dark, burned out male temperament. The father may be a blustery authoritarian figure or a passive and detached individual or a planner of fun activities, but without biblical instruction, the father’s role is stripped of its dynamism.
Children need nurture, spiritual instruction and authority from the same person. Where that combination is not found, the child typically gravitates to the mother. The father-son bond becomes strained, broken or non-existent.
Without the father’s spiritual instruction, a culture tends to move toward a matriarchal family pattern. Males become increasingly impetuous, arrogant, warlike, treacherous and passive-aggressive. They become resentful of authority. Self-control is replaced by addiction to instant gratification. Honor is supplanted by boasting. Woman, sex and pleasure are worshipped.
This always weakens a culture and reduces its resolve to stay free. Human nature is such that men would rather give over their freedom to the state rather than mortify their immorality.
In support of that fact, a study of the ascendancy of world and regional empires reveals that feminine (sensual) cultures are taken over by masculine cultures (those characterized by self-discipline).
In feminine or sensual cultures, young men tend to use their strength in destructive instead of constructive ways. Malachi warns that this is symptomatic of the alienation that exists between fathers and sons (Mal. 4:4-6).
Although Mosaic Law spelled out a formula for patriarchal family units, both Israel and Judah passed through a matriarchal stage before their apostasy led to exile. It’s difficult to imagine the depths to which Hebrew males sank during the nation’s decline. Jeremiah documents that Jewish fathers poured out libations to and baked sacrificial cakes for the queen of heaven (Jer. 44:15-19). Hebrew males who resided in the Northern Kingdom serviced the alcoholism of their wives (Amos 4:1-4). Under the wicked reign of King Ahab, an idol in the shape of a female body was served by 400 Hebrew prophets (1 Ki. 18:19).
Matriarchal culture involves role reversal in the family. The effects can be cumulative from generation to generation. Isaiah announces that the reversal and distortion of God-given roles contains much of its own punishment. “O My people! Their oppressors are children and women rule over them” (Is. 3:12). When fathers relinquish their responsibility to honor God through spiritual instruction, the chain of honor is severed. When God sends a spirit of distortion, social order is turned upside down before it is destroyed. Leaders are dishonored and those who are subservient are elevated (Is. 24:2; 19:14).
In a matriarchal culture, males are commonly passive-hostile guilt responders who lack conviction and fortitude. Women become dominant manipulators who grasp for control in a vacuum of true spiritual leadership.
SOME COUNSEL TO SINGLE MALES WHO LIVE IN A POST-CHRISTIAN MATRIACHAL CULTURE It is easy to go with the cultural flow. What is difficult is to swim upstream against the current. In order to establish the resolve to move against the prevailing tide, Christian men must realize just how much God is for their manhood.
Revival is always tied to a return to godly masculinity. God is calling men who are faithful within the sphere of their homes and workplaces to exercise a broader influence for the kingdom of God. The Lord is calling men to assume leadership and authority for the good of their families and for the good of their local churches and for the good of their neighborhoods and communities. As men, we ought to be able to say, “This is not about me, it is about God. He laid hold of me to lead you and teach you for your eternal welfare!”
Men need to be able to move past the suspicions of those who are quick to lodge the accusation of selfish ambition. In this post-Christian age it is common for people to be threatened by men who exhibit strength, conviction and leadership. They are threatened because these men of character are not easily controlled. True holiness always frightens because it casts such a blinding light upon the darkness that is accepted as the status quo (Phil. 2:14-16).
THE PROBLEM OF MASCULINITY IN A FEMINIZED CULTURE In a post-Christian culture, biblical distinctions in gender roles are regarded as sexist and discriminatory. Biblical distinctions in gender roles are all too often crammed into stereotypes that depict the biblical male role as domineering and elitist.
In his book, The New Dark Ages, Chuck Colson explains that the feminizing of Western culture has not stopped at the door of the church. All too often the church has embraced what matriarchal culture values. This should be no surprise. For church life is the communal expression of what goes on in Christian homes. Male spiritual leadership is deficient if men do not lead in both home and church. One cannot expect to have one standard in the home and a totally different standard in the church.
Matriarchal values and sentiments are opposed to strong male leadership. They look with suspicion upon sanctified male virtue. Masculine virtues are often viewed as boorish, undemocratic and unspiritual.
Redeemed male or masculine virtues include:
Uncompromising fidelity to principle and righteousness; a willingness to contend earnestly for the truth; the ability to confront and show tough love; righteous indignation in the face of wickedness and injustice; strength of leadership demonstrated in decisiveness, guiding, building and protecting; stability in the face of criticism; a meek but confident exercise of judgment, wisdom and discernment; refusal to be manipulated; fearlessness, courage, initiation and risk-taking; honor, dignity and respect; camaraderie and teamwork; personal discipline; determination and perseverance.
PRACTICAL CONSIDERATIONS FOR CHRISTIAN MALES IN THE CHURCH In a feminized culture and in a semi-feminized church, how can single men relate to single women in a way that honors God-given gender roles? This issue faces a number of challenges that may be expressed as additional questions. Can we enjoy our sexual distinctions as men and women without fear of romantic implications? How can we acknowledge our differences as male and female in a pure and honoring way? OR, Is it safer to relate as “neuters” without any effort to preserve gender roles?
It is this author’s opinion that gender roles provide a vital biblical context for true and wholesome edification between the sexes. The culture’s attempt to erase gender roles casts a cloud of confusion and awkwardness upon male female relationships.
Culture has become a reflection of family life. In so many homes, the father is passive and the mother is dominant. Usurpation of authority by mother and children is usually by default. Fathers fail to occupy their God-given headship. This creates a role model crisis for the next generation. Sons discover that they have to “invent” themselves. When it comes to dating and courtship, they “play it by ear” to see if it feels right. They play it by ear because mom and dad have not provided the example of relating in a redemptive fashion.
In matriarchal homes, role reversal or power shift can be subtle. The message sent is, “mother knows best,” “mother is to be pleased above father,” “mother has the power of intercession and mediation,” “mother casts the swing vote for approval or disapproval on almost anything.”
Without the benefit of a godly father who modeled redemptive marriage, sons are left to find mentors and examples that will give three-dimensional content to the written principles of manhood. The evangelical church ought to rush in to fill this void.
IN ORDER TO RISE ABOVE THE CULTURE, SINGLE MEN WILL NEED TO FLESH OUT A VISION FOR A REDEMPTIVE RELATIONSHIP Single men ought to go back to Scripture and examine the passages that deal with gender topics. The overwhelming majority of these will concern marriage. The question arises, “Where is the bridge that describes gender relationships before marriage?” Where are the guidelines that describe gender relationships prior to marriage? Oddly enough, it is life in a matriarchal culture that prompts that very question.
In a patriarchal culture, that bridge is found in a society replete with examples of redemptive courtships. In a patriarchal culture, mentoring in manhood is commonplace. By contrast, in a matriarchal society, redemptive role models are scarce. As a consequence, young men (and young women as well) practically need a check list to avoid the relational land mines that are strewn in their path. Practical guidelines for such a check list are best formed when one has a good understanding of the redemptive relationship. The stronger one’s vision for a redemptive relationship, the greater the motivation to eschew its counterfeit.
Men need to understand that dating and courtship establish the role pattern and precedent for the marriage.
If the relationship is not redemptive in the courtship phase, it will not be a redemptive in marriage. Therefore even during dating it is time to ask yourself the following:
Who is leading? Who is initiating and who is responding? Who is pleasing whom? Who is assuming responsibility? Who is the Source Person? Where is emotional dependency aimed? Does the relationship exist for the glory of God? Who is drawing whom into whose sphere? Who telegraphed interest in whom first? Who gives reassurance of acceptance to whom? Who is the primary evaluator of behavior?
In a non-redemptive relationship, two or more of these queries will reveal an imbalance. The time to develop the redemptive ideal is BEFORE one ever gets serious in the relationship.
When a man is earnest about finding God’s will for his future marriage, he will cultivate the vision for a redemptive relationship. The redemptive ideal honors God’s Word by taking serious the role of spiritual head. Without a preemptive commitment to the redemptive vision, the prevailing current of the culture will shape the relationship.
Amidst the high emotion of courtship, the temptation will be to fall back upon what “feels” o.k.
What feels right is frequently what is non-redemptive. Remember, in a matriarchal culture men tend to be passive responders and women tend to be controllers. When a man responds passively, to some degree he relinquishes leadership, initiation, guidance, and self-confidence. Without these, the redemptive relationship is impossible.
In a redemptive relationship, the man will need to develop dependency upon Christ for reassurance in his decisions.
In non-redemptive relationships, men depend upon the woman for reassurance that their behavior, decisions and character are acceptable. In a redemptive relationship, a man will practice dependency upon the Lord as his primary Evaluator and as the One he seeks to please first.
In marriage, there are countless opportunities for a man to demonstrate initiation instead of passivity. In a redemptive relationship, the man’s dependence upon Christ, gives him the strength to remain himself even amidst pressure to change. In a non-redemptive relationship, the man may frequently operate as a passive responder who adapts himself to the pressures from his spouse. The irony is that this usually has the net effect of making her more insecure instead of less. She becomes increasingly threatened by the power she develops over her husband. Sadly, many men think that by such passive adaptable behavior they are showing love to their wives.
In a redemptive relationship, a woman finds herself able to lean upon the man instead of upon her own fleshly abilities to manipulate and control.
This ability for the woman to lean upon the man is a function of the man’s leaning upon the Lord. The redemptive man is a man transformed by Christ’s truth. Leaning upon the Lord involves depth of conviction that grows out of truth. Truth loved builds conviction. Conviction produces courage. Conviction is then lived out in the face of opposition, temptation and discouragement. In redemptive relationships men of conviction make decisions with confidence in the Word of God. This is the source of their unashamed boldness, their integrity and their refusal to compromise.
In a feminized society and church, shallow conviction makes for weakness. Because there is lack of conviction, there is a lowering of moral fortitude. Sensual opportunism reigns. Young adults willingly trade away the power of purity for a mess of porridge. By contrast, spiritual redemptive men are confident, bold, principled, courageous, uncompromising and Christ-centered.
In a matriarchal culture there is an unhealthy deification of women. Post-Christian culture does more than distort the sex roles in marriage. It also promotes the earth-mother myth. This myth consists of the distortion of the concept of the ideal woman. In this fantasy, the woman is goddess, nurturer of life, selfless, aggressionless, pure, deserving of adoration. She is pictured as having no needs of her own. The mirror image of the earth mother goddess is the wanton, dependent male. This is part of the same myth. The male takes the negative image. He is “snakes and snails,” destroyer of life, evil, mechanizer, brutish and dirty.
The more he feeds his self-contempt, the more he is drawn to his “angelic” opposite, the earth mother. Many males see women and themselves through the distorted lens of this myth. The myth grows out of matriarchal homes. It does nothing to elevate women. Actually, it dehumanizes them by obscuring their need for grace, transparency and dependency.
The myth is so prevalent that at times guys who date feel like an unclean beast trying to prove their worth and love to a pure goddess.
The Bible explodes the earth-mother myth. Women are self-serving sinners who need God’s grace just like men do.
Woman was made for man, not as an object or play thing nor as a creature to be worshipped, but as a helpmate corresponding to him (1 Cor. 11:9).
In the redemptive relationship, the man’s tendency to worship women has been mortified. Men who love Christ are less tempted to place women on a pedestal for the sake of adoration. One of the symptoms of adoration is the constant desire to please the woman. Narcissism is inherent in that desire. This is the opposite of biblical self-sacrifice called for in Ephesians 5:25-28. The pleasing born of adoration is actually a tacit plea from the male for acceptance. By his pleasing her, the male hopes that the goddess he adores will bestow acceptance upon him. This represents a distortion of the redemptive ideal.
In a redemptive relationship a man’s acceptance comes from Christ first and foremost. Because the man is not emotionally dependent upon the woman, he is free to lead and love. He gently draws the woman into his sphere of interest and influence. Her submission to him involves a willingness to embrace his vision. A woman can only lean upon a man who is strong enough to remain himself. If he is always changing to please her, his behavior will resemble a stage play.
The redemptive relationship is modeled after Christ’s winning of the Church by His sacrificial love and initiative.
In a redemptive courtship the man pursues the woman of his choice. Part of the woman’s joy and fulfillment consists of her reflection upon her husband’s pursuit of her. In spite of the obstacles he faced, he won her love at last. He may have risked rejection. He may have had to cope with the advance of other suitors. He may have had to wait a lengthy period of time before she was ready to give her heart. She can rest and rejoice in this. She is the object of his love. She didn’t have to capture him, convince him or strive to make things work. In a non-redemptive courtship, the woman may have the satisfaction that she “got her man,” but she lacks the security and fulfillment of a redemptive relationship.
There is true freedom in a redemptive relationship.
Not only is the redemptive ideal the most scriptural, it is also the most beautiful and exciting romance. In a redemptive relationship, masculinity and femininity grow deeper, stronger and more mature as time passes.
The preciousness of a redemptive relationship is beyond calculation. It is a great gift when the Lord grants this kind of relationship. God often makes single adults wait until they are capable of the redemptive ideal.
It takes time to grow unselfish enough to love another person sacrificially. It takes time to learn the habit of dependency upon the Lord.
Frequently, young couples find themselves overflowing with the optimism that their relationship has all the elements necessary for marital bliss. In a high percentage of those instances, disillusionment replaces the unbridled optimism. Young couples, emotionally dependent upon one another, tire of giving. Without Christ as “Source Person,” the relationship is easily drained of vitality. God is the Architect of redemptive relationships. He prepares a man to redeem a woman and He prepares the woman to be redeemable.
A woman is not free to respond or be redeemed if her security agenda is based upon manipulation and self-protection. Men are not free to initiate a redemptive relationship if they are taking their needs of approval and acceptance to women instead of to the Lord. It is only the man who is dependent upon the Lord for his deepest needs who is free to love and redeem.
Many a male stops short of a redemptive relationship because he responds to the interest shown by a pretty girl. What looks risk free on the surface is most likely the precedent for a non-redemptive relationship. When a woman telegraphs her interest in a man before he has initiated contact with her, the man is placed in the role of a potential responder. This easily slides into a distortion of the roles, because the man is receptive to the woman’s acceptance and attention and the woman is in charge of her own security.
When the relationship begins with the man as a responder, there is little promise for the fulfillment of the redemptive ideal. In a matriarchal culture, males are often gratefully enthusiastic about female initiation and attention. Without training, these men will not likely understand that the very female initiation they welcome short-circuits the redemptive ideal.
The good news is that God is breaking Christian men out of patterns of passivity. He is breaking family cycles of sin and neglect. Even though the media is absolutely bereft of role models of godly male headship, the Lord is providing mentoring relationships in the church where young men and women can learn these vital lessons. He is training many of His sons and daughters for redemptive relationships that glorify Christ (Eph. 5:22-33; Rom. 5:6-8).